My Heart Will Crack On

Long Day of driving... but it's the first time in a while we haven't been in a ridiculous hurry. We got to go to Cracker Barrel tonight which made me so happy!

We heard "My Heart Will Go On" today at lunch. I sang that song in high school assembly and totally cracked on the high note. I'll never forget that. I was SOOOOO nervous about that one note - I did it a million times on the drive up with no problem, but I had only gotten a couple hours sleep (I never slept in high school). Plus, singing it over and over probably wore my voice out before I even got to school! That was back before I really understood how the voice works.

I guess we all have to go through those moments. And even though it seemed like a huge deal to me then, NO ONE but me remembers that. I KNOW if I hadn't been so worried about it, it would have been fine. I had the ability, just not the confidence. Nerves can be a crazy thing. But even when they make your biggest fear come true, if you can overcome it, you'll be so much stronger. Cliche? Yes. I don't care. It's the truth.

Peace. Love. Fiddle.
~natalie

Oh Those Nerves

Anxiety has been on my mind today.

People are always asking, "Do you get nervous?"

And yeah, of course. But I get nervous a LOT less often than I used to. Nervousness is just a normal reaction when you are stressed or worried about something. But I never wanted to call it nerves... At least with performing.... I like to refer to it as "excitement". I always pictured those butterflies in my stomach fluttering around just getting me ready for what I was about to do... letting me know it was way cooler than a "normal activity" like eating an apple or watching tv. It's the same reason we get nervous around another person when we have a crush - your body does the same thing. You get that flutter, your heart feels like it is beating so hard other people can hear it, you start to sweat.... even if you are cold... It's just your body's way of getting excited.

Anxiety is the worst leading up to an event, though. I am always WAY more nervous for things up until I actually get on stage. Once I get on that stage, though, I know what I am there to do, and I feel at home. That comes with practice and rehearsing. If you do something enough times - so that you REALLY know it - it'll be second-nature. That doesn't mean it is easy. But it just means you'll be able to get through it :)

There was a time when anxiety would make me physically sick. And it still does to this day - sometimes I don't even realize it. I don't even know I am "stressed" about something until I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach or I feel like I am about eh em.... hurl.

But whether my sickness is caused by nerves or a stomach bug or whatever - the BEST thing is to push through it. It is the most rewarding feeling in the world to be so sick that you just don't think you can do something, but SOMEHOW make yourself get through it. That's where the real test is. And that's when you learn the most about yourself.

It all boils down to confidence. (As with so many things in life) We learn to trick our brains... or maybe I should say... train our brains to doing what we want. It comes into play with SO many different kinds of things. Believing in yourself is one of THE most important things in this life. It doesn't matter whether it is public speaking, singing, playing a sport or making friends - it is all derived from your confidence in yourself. The most popular kids in school or the biggest Hollywood stars out there have all the same fears and concerns that the rest of us do. It's just that the "popular" kids are better at hiding those concerns. I wish I had understood that when I was in middle school and high school. I wish I had understood that "popularity" is nothing more than exuding confidence. NOT Arrogance. There's a difference. :) Confidence and Compassion. Those are the keys.

I was a gymnast as a kid. I thought I was going to the Olympics. My sister was an incredible gymnast, but her injuries prevented her from continuing. Me? I got a job at Opryland.

But the cool thing was, they always had me do back handsprings and flips in the shows out at Opryland. So it made me feel like I got to continue that sport I loved so much... even though I had to quit. I got rustier as the years went on because I wasn't practicing anymore. Every time I would rev up to do a flip - if I had even a TWINGE of doubt about my ability... it wouldn't go well. I learned pretty quickly to tell myself before each flip - "you are awesome at flipping!" Most of the time it worked... but if I didn't REALLY believe it, that doubt would slip in and inevitably.... those would be the only times I would injure myself. Part of it too, was the distraction doubt would cause - I would lose concentration for a split second and forget "arms straight, spot, legs together, good jump, squeeze your butt..." all the stuff that makes up a good flip....

This topic brings to mind one of my FAVORITE stories from Kid's Club Days. My wonderful friend Janet Ivey was the adult in the show. We said a prayer each day before the shows. And this one day I was SICK AS A DOG. I had been throwing up all day. At this point I don't remember if that was a "nerves" day or a stomach flu day or what (probably nerves knowing me, though). Everyone circled up for prayer, and I was face down on the couch. Janet said "Dear God, Please help Natalie to stop blowing chunks so she can put on a good show" Ahhh.. Best prayer EVER.

But that's the thing. If you can push through, be confident, and KNOW that you can do something... you always can.

Lord, when I sang for the President? I was incredibly nervous. But I KNOW I can sing "God Bless America" so there's no reason for me to actually be nervous about it. My stomach could go crazy, my hands could shake, but I KNEW I could do it. And I did :)

Something that also helps me is to focus on the good things. I always say a prayer, and I thank God for "the gifts I have been given" and I ask him to "use me" for His will. It doesn't matter if that is singing for thousands of people or doing a speech for a class. It's all the same. It all boils down to believing in yourself and having the confidence to push through even when you don't want to. You know why? If you can train yourself to do it when it isn't a big deal... like a class or a rehearsal... or something. THEN when it IS a big deal - you KNOW you can do it!

I used to hear kids Berklee say "I really want to be in Singer's Showcase, but I am not ready to audition for it yet. I am too nervous" But I never understood that. The best way to get over being nervous about auditioning is to... AUDITION! Audition for anything and everything you can!!! And then by the time it is an audition that is REALLY important to you, you'll have that whole "audition thing" down. It took me 3 semesters to get into Showcase. But each time I learned something, made corrections, and then I made it the next 5 semesters straight.

I don't mean to be all up on my soap box tonight. But the issues of self-confidence and anxiety are all around us. And I feel like I have heard a lot about people I care about dealing with them lately. And since this is my little place to purge my thoughts - I figured I better get it out of my system. I don't pretend to have all the answers. This is all the stuff that has made sense to me over the years. I have about a million other stories that have come to mind. But I am sure I will eventually have a place for them :) So I am going to stop now.

The guys are probably wondering where I am. I left the hotel room an hour ago in a pensive mood and didn't say where I was going! :)

Peace, Love, Fiddle, and Self-confidence,
~natalie